Not Love Actually
by stuffbylouie
Summary: Question: what if Polly received a fake love letter from Speedy, Speedy a fake love letter from Francine, Francine a fake love letter from Guido, and Guido a fake love letter from Polly? Answer: one very interesting day.
1. Chapter One

**NOT LOVE ACTUALLY**

_Question: what if Polly received a fake love letter from Speedy, Speedy a fake love letter from Francine, Francine a fake love letter from Guido, and Guido a fake love letter from Polly? Answer: one very interesting day. _

This ficlet is inspired by 'Big Red' at the Edoropolis Emporium forum. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: my name is not 'sue' so don't go 'suing' me! Yes, that was lame … :)**

* * *

**

**Polly's Love Letter**

N: It's a bright, sunny morning in Little Tokyo – but don't let that fool you. Lurking beneath all this sunshine and happiness is a sinister plot! YES! Our heroes are in grave danger. Not the usual danger, i.e. robots, Polly after a manicure, indigestion, etc. NO! It's worse than anyone could imagine – _fake love letters_. YES! Fake love letters are being leaked to the Pizza Cats from an unidentified source! It's sick. It's twisted. It's a waste of stationary …

(Scene: Polly at a shop stand before work, buying a drink for the road)

Polly: (talking to the shopkeeper) And a pack of gum, please.

N: Make sure that gum's extra strong. I can smell her breath from all the way –

Polly: (insulted) SHOVE IT! Oh great …

(She's accidentally spilled her drink all down her front)

Polly: See what you made me do? You BUM!

N: Lighten up! Now that it looks like you've peed yourself, your breath isn't so obvious.

(Wiping herself, Polly searches through her bag for some money, only to come across … )

Polly: What's this?

N: Looks like a prop!

Polly: (muttering) Idiot …

(After paying for her spilled drink and gum, Polly goes and sits at a near by bus stop. In her hand she holds an envelope that's been mysteriously placed in her bag. She rips it open. There's a letter inside … )

_My dear Polly,_

_You are the spice in my meatball! The chow in my chowder! The pickle in my pickled eggs! The sodium in my tuna! The fairy in my floss! The butter that should be in my tub of 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter'! _

_What I mean by all this is … Polly Esther, you're everything to me. Working alongside you all this time has made me realise you're the only girl l I could ever love. I like spice in a meatball. I LOVE chow in the chowder. Pickle flavour, sodium, floss, phoney butter, all of it!_

_Please be mine. Pretty please? _

_Love Speedy_

_P.S. I promise I won't ask you to cook me a pizza if you say yes! _

Polly: (with her hand to her heart, exasperated) GOODNESS! I don't believe it …

N: Sounds accurate to me. When does Speedy NOT think of food?

Polly: Speedy wrote me a love letter. Me! A pretty weird love letter … (reading over the 'spice in a meatball' bit) … but then Speedy's a pretty weird guy.

N: This is true.

Polly: (putting both hands to her heart) I don't _believe_ it!

N: Said that already.

(Next to Polly at the bus stop, a person sits with their head concealed behind a newspaper. They cough suddenly – though it sounds more like a laugh quickly disguised as cough)

Polly: (feeling intruded upon) I think I'll walk to work today … (stands up, while reading through the letter again) … the sodium in my tuna?

**  
Speedy's Love Letter**

Narrator: We now cross over to Speedy Cerviche, who's showed up to work early for once! Francine greets him with a warm smile and a pizza basket. Speedy looks like he'd rather be back in bed.

Francine: Good morning, Speedy!

Speedy: (grumpy) What's so _good _about it?

Fran: (passing him the basket) Late night last night?

Speedy: (nodding) 'Stargate' marathon.

Fran: Speedy, you're incorrigible!

Speedy: Yeah. But also loveable, right?

Fran: _Right_! Deliver that pizza in ten minutes, or it comes out of your wages.

Speedy: Hardass …

(Francine blasts Speedy into sky. While in mid-air, Speedy mumbles crankily to himself)

Speedy: I hate early morning deliveries! Who the hell eats pizza at nine o'clock? Haven't they heard of nutrition?

N: But you ate pizza for breakfast yesterday? It was five days old and jammed in the back of the fridge.

Speedy: (irritated) Was I talking to you? NO!

N: Only providing the facts! Viewers like to know these things when they type up your profile on their websites: likes 'Stargate', eats dirty pizza, often mistaken for a hobbit …

Speedy: Cool it with the short jokes, bud!

N: I was referring to your hairy feet.

Speedy: (diverting his attention from the Narrator to the pizza basket) What's on this brekkie pizza anyway, cornflakes?

(Speedy opens the lid, only to find … )

Speedy: Hey, a letter! With … my name on it? What the catfish?

(Curiosity overwhelming him, Speedy begins to read … )

Speedy: 'To my Speedy' … (touched) Aw!

N: Get on with it!

_The following is brief proposal – a 'love letter', some might say – regarding (what will no longer be) my hidden intentions. _

_Speedy, I want to take our friendship to the next level. I've developed feelings for you, and I believe them to be romantic. I've thought it through, and concluded a life-partnership is in order. Think of our potential, Speedy! Your leadership combined with my managerial skills would make for an ideal match. We could set up joint accounts, run the Parlour side by side, buy property in our third year – a smart time to settle, I think. After all, marriage must be built on a solid foundation, and our children would benefit from the security home ownership provides. Ah! I'm running ahead of myself. There's plenty of time to talk about the logistics later._

_Please notify me of a time when you'd like to commence our courtship. I for one am eager to begin!_

_Your life-partner,_

_Francine._

(Least to say, after finishing the letter Speedy is left feeling stunned … bordering on panic)

Speedy: (panic setting in) Courtship? Life-Partner? Children … FRANCINE!

N: WALL!

Speedy: AAAAAAHHHHHH!

(CRASH!)

**  
Francine's Love Letter**

Francine: I'm popping to the bank to pay our bills. Make some pizza dough while I'm gone and check the letterbox, okay?

(Scene: back at the Parlour, Guido has since arrived. He's sitting on one of the customer's chairs, balancing a pen on his nose)

Guido: (half-listening) I'm on it!

(Annoyed, Francine picks up a handy frying pan and throws it directly at Guido. It knocks him clean off his seat)

Guido: OUCH! Hey, you're stealing Polly's bit!

Fran: I didn't _hit_ you with the pan, I _threw_ it at you. There's a difference. Now get to work!

Guido: (sitting up, murmuring to himself) Who died and made her Director?

(Francine goes to her 'bills to pay' pile in the kitchen, collects a stack of envelopes and heads outside. As she walks down the street, she sorts through each envelope, only to fall upon … )

Fran: What … ? This isn't a bill.

N: Victim number three. Right on target!

(Putting the other envelopes under her arm, Francine takes a closer look at the envelope which _isn't_ a bill. Opening it carefully, she retrieves the letter inside and reads … )

_Dearest Francine_

_I dream of a day when our hearts will beat together in time. A day when I'll embrace your soft, tender lips with my own. A day when our souls will finally merge and become one! Allow me to confess Francine, being near you and withstanding the glare of your radiant beauty is agony for me – agony because it intensifies my unprofessed longing. My desire for you is like a wild tempest spurred on by the gods, storming through my body and kindling every inch of my loins! Before I met you, I never knew what true love was and the passion the soul can posses when the heart is on fire._

_End my suffering, dearest Francine. I beg you. Hold me to your bosom and cure me of my agony! Let this day be the day I have always dreamed of._

_Yours eternal,_

_Guido_

N: What a bunch of flowery, romantic sap! Are we _sure_ Guido didn't pen this?

Fran: (wide-eyed) WHAT IN THE NAME OF – AH!

(Francine blindly walks into someone on the street)

Person on the street: Watch it, missy!

Fran: (apologetic) I beg your pardon!

N: What's the matter? No one ever told you you kindled ever inch their loins before? Ha Ha!

Fran: (blushing) _No_! Or asked me to … (checking the letter) … hold them to my bosom! Honestly, what was Guido thinking?

N: Guido thinks?

Fran: Maybe he's been sniffing the fabric softener again. I told him it's not good for him.

N: And I repeat: Guido _thinks_?

Fran: (reading through the last part of the letter) 'I never knew what true love was and the passion the soul can posses when the heart is on fire'. Hey, I've heard him use that line on girls before!

N: Duh! He says stuff like that every episode. It's no wonder we've got any girls left on this show.

**  
Guido's Love Letter**

Narrator: Speaking of Guido, let's hurry back to the Parlour! He's currently busying himself in the kitchen, when Polly suddenly enters.

Guido: (looking her over while kneading dough) What happened to you?

(Polly doesn't answer him. She seems slightly out of it)

Guido: (speaking louder) Poll'?

Polly: Huh? Sorry Guido, did you say something?

Guido: I asked what happened to you. You look like you've peed yourself.

N: Told ya.

Polly: Oh … (vaguely recalling the spilled drink incident) … that's not pee.

Guido: (a tad concerned) Is everything okay? You don't seem like your usual, peppy self.

Polly: I have a lot on my mind all of sudden … (thinking solely of Speedy's letter) … I'm feelin' a little loopy. Can I do that?

(Polly refers to Guido kneading the dough. Guido thinks it's odd, but stands back regardless)

Guido: Be my guest!

Polly: Thanks … (pushing in front of him and taking over with far more vigour) … I need to do something with my hands! You know, release some pent up energy … (heartily clawing the dough) … AH! That feels good.

Guido: (feeling Polly and the dough should be alone) O … kay then. You sink your hands into that and I'll ah, go check the letterbox!

(Guido departs the kitchen and heads out the entrance to the front of the building)

Guido: (digging his hand in the letterbox) Let's see what we got … (filing through the mail) … junk, junk, junk, a bill! Fran'll be happy … (filing again) … junk, junk … hello, what do we have here?

N: You guessed it.

(Intrigued, Guido heads back inside the Parlour and sits down in the seat he occupied earlier. He dumps the mail on the table - except for a particular envelope made out specifically to him)

Guido: (wiggling his eyebrows in anticipation) Maybe I gotta secret admirer!

N: Oh, how right (and wrong) he is!

(Biting the corner off the envelope with his teeth, Guido pulls out the letter inside, casually leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table and reads … )

_Dear Sexy_

_Let's come straight to the point. Fluffy words have no place in this 'love' letter._

_I WANT you Guido, and I know you want me. You make me so hot I can hardly contain myself. If I don't have you in the next twenty-four hours, I will strip that blue armour clean off your body and - _

Guido: WHOA!

(Whatever the next line said, it makes Guido fall and crash off his chair. But he's soon back on his feet, and his eyes glued back on the letter)

N: Read it aloud, stud muffin!

Guido: (quickly hushing him) Quiet!

N: Oh, c'mon! What does the rest say? We wanna know!

Guido: I can't tell you, it's too … (thinking of a good word) … frisky!

N: Frisky?

(Ignoring the Narrator, Guido finishes reading the letter – including the last part, which says … )

_Don't keep me waiting. _

_Polly xxx _

(He reads over her name at least three times more, before allowing it to sink in)

Guido: (having breathing difficulties) Polly. Polly wrote this … (walking around in a circle, as if he's lost his way) … she wants to … with me … she … oh – my – _god_!

(On call, Polly comes out from the kitchen, leaning against the doorway and fanning herself with her hand)

Polly: Boy oh boy, all that kneading has made me SO hot! Do we have any ice, Guido?

(But all Guido can do in response to this question is gape at Polly, while thinking feverishly: "She's coming on to me already … she's actually _serious_!")

Guido: (losing it) Oh – my – GOD!

Polly: (shocked by his outburst) What's your problem?

(At that moment, Francine walks back in the Parlour. Guido gapes at her, before gaping back at Polly and then dashing out the entrance for some much needed air)

Guido: (repeating to himself manically) Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!

Fran: (confounded, looks to Polly) What just happened?

Polly: (shrugging) No clue! I asked Guido about ice, you walked in, and he freaks out!

Fran: Oh dear … (thinking Guido possibly 'freaked out' about her) … Polly, can we talk?

N: And the love letter fiasco continues! How will these soiled hearts cope with the rest of the day? How will the saga end? Could I sound more dramatic if I tried? Stay tuned!


	2. Chapter Two

_Things get more interesting, and a little raunchier. All tasteful and in good fun, I swear! Pizza Cats honour :)_**

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****  
Everybody 'Talks' **

Narrator: After Guido fled from the Parlour like a big frisky WIMP, he bumped into Speedy on the street. Speedy, by the way, appears somewhat … dishevelled.

Guido: Dang, Speedy … (giving Speedy a harsh look-over) … did Lucille explode near you this morning?

Speedy: (disgruntled) No! I just finished my delivery, and Francine aimed for a building as usual! You'd THINK she'd be more thoughtful considering –

(Speedy's about to refer to Francine's letter, but stops himself before going further)

Speedy: Ah … never mind! He eh! No need to go there …

Guido: (whose thoughts are firmly on Polly's letter) Well, seeing as I've run into you … Speedy, can we talk?

Speedy: Don't girls use that line?

Guido: Speedy!

Speedy: Sorry. Actually, I have to talk about something too … but you go first.

Guido: Okay. Geez! Where do I begin … (nervously rubbing the back of his neck) … ah, okay! What would you do, hypothetically, if a person you considered a good friend … an attractive friend … (losing concentration) … a _really_ attractive friend … it's not like you haven't entertained the idea before! All those times alone in the Catatonic, you're bound to –

(Guido stops talking when he catches the puzzled expression on Speedy's face)

Guido: Eh, I mean … (retracing his words) … what I'm trying to say is, how would you feel if a friend wanted to …

Speedy: … to?

Guido: … take your friendship to the next level.

Speedy: What kinda level?

Guido: (cutting to the chase) The casual sex level.

Speedy: The casual WHAT!

Guido: ('sshhing' him) Pipe down, dude! The extras are listening … (peering around at the people passing by)

(Much to Guido's annoyance, Speedy has started giggling)

Guido: What's so damn funny?

Speedy: You said sex! No one says 'sex' on this show!

Guido: (rolling his eyes) Speedy, how old are you? I say sex and you turn into a school girl!

N: Let's force him into a Sailor Moon outfit!

Speedy: (talking back at Guido) Nuh uh! You're the girl for using the 'can we talk' line!

Guido: Are you gonna be serious?

Speedy: (giggling some more) Sorry, sorry! I'm over it. But Guido, buddy! I didn't know you found me attractive … (laughing) … I'm flattered!

Guido: I wasn't talking about you, you bonehead!

Speedy: What, I'm not good enough for ya?

Guido: FORGET IT! Forget I said anything.

(Guido's walks away from Speedy in a temper. Speedy calls out after him)

Speedy: Aw Guido, come back! I was only kidding! I still need to talk to you … GUIDO!

(Guido ignores him)

Speedy: Fine, be that way! Who's the school girl now?

(Standing on his own with his pizza basket, something suddenly dawns on Speedy … in reference to what Guido has just said)

Speedy: (retrieving Francine's letter from the pizza basket and reading out the line in mind) 'I want to take our friendship to the next level' … wholly litter box! Did Francine get Guido to ask me if I wanted to … dear GOD!

N: She did indicate you'd be having kids.

Speedy: Yeah, but not until the third year!

N: So she wants to start early. Quit your whining and put on a Sailor Moon outfit already!

Speedy: (ticked off) YOU -

N: (interrupting) MOVING ALONG! Let's see how Polly and Francine's talk went.

Polly: Sure we can talk Fran! You read my mind.

Fran: I did?

Polly: (sitting up on the front bench) Truth is I'm dying to talk to somebody too! But you brought it up, so you start.

Fran: (nodding) Okay then! Erm … (pacing herself) … let's see. Imagine a friend! Someone you know well – or at least you _thought_ you knew well – revealed out of the blue that he secretly …

Polly: (ears perking up) … secretly what?

Fran: … wanted to be _more_ than your friend.

(Polly abruptly topples off the bench)

Fran: POLLY!

Polly: (bolting up again, flustered) What do you MEAN what if a friend secretly wanted to be more than your FRIEND! You've talked to Speedy, haven't you?

Fran: Speedy? No. Why?

Polly: (holding her by the collar) Fran, don't cover for him! What's he told you? What's he said about me?

Fran: Cover for what? Polly … (pushing her away) … what's gotten into you? I wasn't talking about Speedy, I was talking about –

(On cue, Guido enters the Parlour. He's followed by Speedy a beat later. Everyone stands frozen in their tracks, staring at each other)

N: Awkward much?

Fran: (breaking the silence with a high-pitched voice) I ah, got some new pizzas for you guys to deliver!

Polly: (overly keen) GREAT!

Guido: (also overly keen) COOL!

Speedy: (even keener) SUPER! YAY! I'M SO EXCITED! WOOO!

N: Dumb it down!

**  
Confrontations**

Narrator: The first 'confrontation' occurred around lunchtime. Predictably, Speedy snuck time off work to charm Lucille – and by 'charm' I mean make stupid faces at her and foam at the mouth.

Speedy: I _do not_ foam at the mouth! Lately … besides, I need something to get my mind off my supposed 'life-partnership' with Francine!

(Scene: Speedy prances up to Lucille outside her tea house)

Speedy: Hey Lucille!

Lucille: (happy to see him) Speedy! Another break from work?

Speedy: Nope, but that's never stopped me before!

Lucille: (giggling) Oh, Speedy! Any stupid faces for me today?

Speedy: You betcha! I've been practising.

N: What an ideal time for Polly to be passing by. Predictable yes, but ideal!

Polly: (catching him in the act, enraged) SPEEDY!

Speedy: (cross-eyed with his right leg over his shoulder) Polly! Ah crap …

Polly: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH LUCILLE?

Speedy: (afraid) Nothing! Saying hi, stretching my leg …

Polly: A LIKELY STORY! And I suppose _she_ got a letter TOO!

Lucille: Are you talking about my bank statement?

Speedy: I was only stoppin' for a minute Polly, honest!

Polly: Pickled eggs? Sodium? Chow in the chowder? DO THESE WORDS MEAN _NOTHING_ TO YOU?

Speedy: Ah … (utterly confused) … yes?

(Losing her temper, Polly karate-kicks Speedy in the head and knocks him down flat)

Polly: JERK!

(Polly stomps away, fuming)

Speedy: (lying on the ground, with a lump growing on his head) I think I gave her the wrong response … (wince!) ... I also think I need a first aid kit.

Lucille: Sodium is a preservative!

Speedy: (vying for medical attention) _Lucille_!

N: This brings us to the second confrontation! Taking place at the Parlour where Guido has recently returned, after his lovers spat with Speedy.

Guido: Fran, got any deliveries on standby? I'm good to – WO!

(To Guido's surprise, Francine grabs him by the wrist and leads him into the kitchen)

Francine: This way!

Guido: Am I being offered a choice? What are you –

(Surprising Guido further, Francine forces him into a confined and stuffy broom closet, before shutting them both in)

Guido: It's dark in here! OUCH!

(Francine promptly turns on the light. Guido's shoved uncomfortably up against the back shelf. He looks down at her with severe bewilderment. They barely both fit inside)

Guido: I'm afraid to ask …

Fran: Guido, we need to clear a few things up!

Guido: (misunderstanding her) Fran, if you want me to clean we'll need to take the broom _outsid_e the closet! And us, for that matter.

Fran: This can't go on!

Guido: Are you trying to become a claustrophobic?

Fran: No …

Guido: Then why are we in here?

Fran: I don't want to distract the customers, silly!

Guido: Distract them from what?

Fran: (hands on hips) Quit pretending like you don't know what I'm talking about!

Guido: But I don't know what you're talking about!

Fran: I've read it, okay?

Guido: Read WHAT? Francine – mphmo!

(Francine puts her hand over Guido's mouth)

Fran: Don't talk … (sounding like she's on a soap opera) … just let me say what I need to say, and then we can both move on with our lives.

Guido: (muffling) Wnmph –

Fran: HUSH! I know you're in 'agony' and all, and I appreciate the radiant beauty comment, really I do. But this can never be, Guido! You might think that's hard to hear, but its how I feel. I only hope we can remain friends. Do you understand?

(She takes her hand from his mouth. Guido's expression of 'severe bewilderment' remains in tact)

Guido: … no … ?

Fran: Oh, Guido!

(She hugs him, thinking he's hurt)

Fran: You'll get over it. You always do!

(Giving him a smile, Francine turns on her heel and opens the closet door. She walks out – then, recalling something, walks back in and steps hard on Guido's foot)

Guido: (in pain) _Ah_!

Fran: That's for the part about my bosom! AND your loins!

(Francine walks out again, leaving the door open)

Guido: (nursing his foot) How uncalled for was that? She's gone mental!

N: You're lucky she didn't _aim_ for your loins, if you catch my drift.

Guido: I have absolutely no idea what's going on … POLLY!

(As stated, Polly's standing at the door of the closet, staring in questioningly at Guido. She's only just arrived back to the Parlour after finding Speedy with Lucille)

Polly: (confused, but intrigued) Guido, what on earth were you doing in the broom closet with Francine?

Guido: (thinking she'll be angry with him) It's not what it looks like!

Polly: What was it supposed to look like?

Guido: (tongue-tied) We weren't … ! I wasn't … ! We were just … ! I DON'T … !

Polly: Guido, speak english! Have you forgotten your lines again?

Guido: Nothing happened between me and Fran, I swear! Please don't hurt me … (grinning timidly)

Polly: I wasn't planning to. But –

Fran: (yelling from the front of the Parlour) GUIDO, I HAVE A DELIVERY FOR YOU! GET OUT HERE, CHOP CHOP!

Guido: Gotta go … (makes to walk out of the kitchen, but before he does) … hey Polly? You're not soured on the whole 'waiting for me thing' are ya?

Polly: (completely mystified) Waiting thing? Guido, what the –

Fran: GUIDO!

Guido: 'Cause I'm up for it if you are …

Fran: _GUIDO_!

Guido: (yelling back) I'M ON IT!

(Guido winks suggestively at Polly and walks out. Polly continues to be mystified)

Polly: I have absolutely no idea what's going on!

N: Yeah, her and everybody else! Who's up for a third confrontation? I'm glad you asked! The third confrontation didn't eventuate until later that afternoon when Speedy, Francine and Polly closed up the Parlour for the day. Guido was around as well, but he'd disappeared into his bedroom and refused to come out. I'm sure we'll learn more about that later! But for now …

(Speedy and Francine are cleaning the kitchen together. Speedy, who's mopping the floor, keeps looking over at Francine apprehensively. Francine, washing the dishes in the sink, fails to notice)

Francine: (shaking her wet hands) Ack! Speedy, be a dear and pass me a towel?

Speedy: (at the end of his tether) THAT'S IT!

(He slams his mop to the floor in protest. Francine glares at him)

Fran: What's wrong with you?

N: Want a list?

Speedy: Listen to yourself! You're already calling me 'dear'! What next? 'HUBBY'?

Fran: (thrown aback) Speedy, all I wanted was a towel –

Speedy: (melodramatic) Is that how it starts, Francine? First you want a towel, then what? My soul … my BABIES!

Fran: _Babies_!

Speedy: (pointing accusingly at her) You know what I'm talking about! I know you want it, but you can't have it! I'm making a stand! You can't bind me to your contract! If you want marriage and kittens find somebody else, Fran! Get a donor, ask Guido, I DON'T CARE!

Fran: Speedy …

Speedy: (talking over her) EVEN though the joint account thingy sounds tempting ...

Fran: Speedy –

Speedy: AND the part about home ownership … (having second thoughts) … will you be paying for most of it?

Fran: Speedy –

Speedy: Hey, this could work! But do you mind if we have the kids in the fourth year?

Fran: (frustrated) SPEEDY!

Speedy: Yes dear?

Polly: (outraged) WHAT'S GOING ON?

(Polly, who'd been in the bathroom, came into the kitchen unnoticed and caught the last half of Speedy and Francine's 'conversation')

Fran: That's what I'm trying to figure out!

Polly: Speedy … (glowering at him) … are you _proposing_ to Francine?

Speedy: She proposed first!

Fran: I did not!

Polly: (up in arms) I don't believe this! HOW MANY LOVE LETTERS HAVE YOU SENT OUT THIS WEEK? YOU'RE WORSE THAN GUIDO!

Speedy: (pointing at Fran again) _She_ did it! She sent the letter! AH!

(Predictably, Polly has armed herself with a frying pan and is attempting to land a blow on Speedy)

Polly: HOLD STILL!

Speedy: (dodging her) NOT ON YOUR LIFE!

Fran: (putting two and two together) Polly thinks Speedy sent her a love letter? And … _ooooh_!

(Taking charge, Francine puts herself between the opposed)

Polly: OUT OF THE WAY, FRAN! SPEEDY'S DOG MEAT!

Fran: Ease up! I think there's been a misunderstanding. Something fishy's going on!

Speedy: I did NOT have tuna for lunch!

Fran: Not your breath, idiot! Did you both receive love letters today?

Polly: Yeah! From HIM!

(She points her frying pan to Speedy, who gapes at her)

Speedy: Nuh uh! I got a love letter from Fran …

Fran: And _I_ got a love letter from Guido.

Speedy, Polly: (confounded) Guido?

N: Looks as though the cat's finally out of the bag! So to speak. After Speedy and Polly calmed down, everyone realised something indeed 'fishy' was going on – in other words, they realised the blatantly fake love letters are fake! Perhaps there's hope for their IQ levels yet.

Speedy: (scandalised) WE'VE BEEN HAD!

Fran: Who would do this?

Polly: I thought that should be obvious by now …

(Speedy and Francine look to Polly expectantly)

Polly: _Guido_! He's the only one not here.

Speedy: (agreeing wholeheartedly) You're RIGHT! Guido does stuff like this all the time! Remember when he and Lou teamed up and Lou pretended to be a murdering stalker?

Fran: (giggling) That was funny!

Speedy: Oh yeah, real funny! Especially when I had a nervous breakdown and my car was dismembered!

Fran: What's Guido doing anyway? Isn't he in his room?

Polly: Yeah, he's been holed up in there ever since we closed shop! I think I'll go have a word with him …

(Excusing herself, and her frying pan, Polly makes a trip to Guido's room and bangs on the door)

Polly: GUIDO! It's Polly, open up!

(From inside, she can hear him moving things around and cussing under his breath)

Guido: I'm not ready for you yet!

Polly: OPEN THIS DOOR!

Guido: Man, you are impatient! Give us a minute …

(Half a minute later, Guido opens the door – but not all the way)

Guido: So … (doing his best 'sexy' voice) … couldn't wait for me any longer, huh?

Polly: (oblivious) Guido, what have you been doing in there? We haven't see you since –

(Pushing past him, Polly hauls herself into his room and stops dead in her tracks, speechless: the room his covered in candles, and there's a strong flowery scent wafting in the air)

Guido: (closing the door and leaning against it) Wait until you see it with the lights off … (turns off the light switch so there's nothing but candlelight) … cool, huh?

(Polly just gapes for a moment, then … )

Polly: So _this_ is what you've been doing for the afternoon! Let me guess: you think you're gonna get lucky with some girl tonight?

Guido: (thinking she's teasing him) Polly, we're alone now! Give up the act. It's cute, but c'mon … why did you bring a frying pan?

Polly: (suddenly remembering why she came to see him in the first place) Guido, I have to talk to you!

Guido: You've said plenty already … (slowly walking towards her)

Polly: (stepping back as he steps forward) I just got here!

Guido: (walking forwards … ) I haven't been able to stop thinking about you all day …

Polly: (walking backwards … ) You _what_?

Guido: I've seen a side of you I didn't know existed …

Polly: WHOA!

(Polly, walking backwards, trips and falls back on his bed. Guido, thinking this is what she wants, joins her)

Guido: (leaning in) I want you as much as you want me …

Polly: (totally and utterly gobsmacked) ARE – YOU – _INSANE_!

(What happened in the next moment is unclear. All we see is Guido flying out of his room and crash-landing in the middle of Parlour. Speedy and Francine hurry out to see what the ruckus is)

N: And that would be the _fourth_ confrontation, methinks.

Speedy: (smiling at Guido crumpled on the floor) HA! So you fessed up! I knew she'd break you …

Guido: (labouring to his feet) She broke me all right – AH!

(Polly, with her frying pan in hand, comes out for more)

Polly: (burning red in the face) HE TRIED TO SEDUCE ME!

Guido: (running behind the front bench for protection) You were asking for it!

Polly: (outraged even further) HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE THAT! YOU PERVE!

Guido: I'm not insinuating nothin'!

Speedy: (coming to Polly's defense) That's below the belt, buddy!

Guido: (gawking at Speedy) What's that line supposed to be? Your idea of a pun?

Speedy: WHY I OUTTA –

(Angered, Speedy charges forward, leaps over the front bench and attacks Guido. They engage in a brawl)

Speedy: (his arm hooked around Guido's neck) YOU GOT NO RIGHT!

Guido: (trying to shake him off) YOUR LINES ARE WORSE THAN THE ONE'S THEY GIVE TO THE ROBOTS!

Polly: (upset Speedy stole her battle) QUIT DEFENDING MY HONOUR! YOU AIN'T GOT DIBBS ON IT!

(Francine comes onto the scene, equipped with a hose)

Fran: (aiming it at the others) INCOMING!

(She hoses them down. Everyone stops fighting)

Fran: You guys needed that.

N: Where'd the hose come from?

Fran: It's animation.

Speedy: Yeah, who cares!

N: Fair enough.

Fran: (the voice of reason) Don't you all see what's happening here? Guido must've received a love letter from Polly!

Guido: How did you know that?

Polly: Is this true, Guido?

Guido: Sure is … (pulling the letter from his pocket) … here!

Polly: Let me see that …

(Polly snatches it from his hand. As she starts to read, her eyes are in danger of popping out of her head)

Polly: (blushing) Who … who wrote this? How did they know I liked to do that!

Guido: (eyes lighting up) Which part?

Speedy: Can I read it?

Polly: BACK OFF!

N: I think it's time we exposed the guilty party. Everybody turn your heads!

Speedy, Polly, Guido, Fran: Huh?

(They all turn. Two people come in through the front doors)

Speedy, Polly, Guido, Fran: _YOU_!

Mama-san: Hello!

N: Weren't the doors locked?

Junior: Animation.

Speedy: I can't believe it! We were duped by the cameos!

Mama-san: (insulted) HEY! We're regular cast members thank you very much.

Fran: What's your motivation?

Guido: Yeah, what's the deal!

Junior: (speaking plainly) Duh! More screen time.

Mama-san: We need the money. I'm saving to buy a car so we don't have to take the bus any more.

Polly: But … (holding up the love letter she didn't give Guido) … how do you know all these personal things about me?

Junior: We called your ex-lover Garfield. He dropped us some pointers!

Polly: (crumpling the letter in her hand) GARFIELD? That good for nothing GOSSIP!

Mama-san: We made some other contacts to get info on the rest of you! Francine's ex-boyfriend Bucky told us all about her 'life-partnership' proposal …

Fran: (embarrassed) How _could_ he!

Mama-san: And Lucille gave us the word on Speedy.

Polly: (gawking at Speedy) You told Lucille she's the fairy in your floss?

Speedy: Maybe … (also embarrassed, looks away) … I say a lot of things to Lucille!

Guido: What about me?

Junior: Pft! You can ask any girl in Little Tokyo to find out what you'd say in a love letter.

Guido: (owning up) True.

Junior: We've been following you all for the whole day, planting each letter.

Mama-san: Remember seeing me this morning, Polly? At the bus stop?

Polly: (recollecting the person sitting next to her, hidden behind a newspaper) That was _you_?

Mama-san: Yes indeedy!

Fran: (arms folded) Don't you two have anything better to do with your time than harrass us?

Junior: Don't nark on the little guys! We're the Pizza Cats biggest fans.

Mama-san: WELL gotta run! Lovely to catch up, we should do it again some time. This was a fun episode!

Speedy, Polly, Guido, Fran: (all appearing less than enthused) Yeah … fun.

N: And so ends this sick and twisted story of love! Or something … anyhoo! We leave you now with the Cat's all lying together on the roof, gazing up at the night sky. What final words of wisdom will they leave us with I wonder?

Speedy: Why do you have to have kids in the third year?

Fran: (still embarrassed from before) It's a long and complicated plan, Speedy! I'm not getting into it … (turns to Guido) … I can't believe you recycle that 'passion the soul can posses when the heart is on fire' line!

Guido: Don't knock my material, Fran. That line is gold!

Fran: More like fluff.

(Guido ignores her and turns his attention to Polly, smiling cheekily – something he'd been doing again and again throughout the night)

Polly: (clenching her teeth) Guido I told you, _stop_ looking at me like that!

Guido: I can't help it. You're not my innocent Polly any more!

Polly: (groaning) This is so humiliating …

Guido: Do you really like to –

Polly: GUIDO!

Speedy: (who's been getting more curious by the minute) Does she like to what?

Polly: (giving Guido her most threatening glare) Tell him ANYTHING and you'll be a fur coat by the next episode!

Guido: Sorry Speedy …

Speedy: Aw, you guys suck!

**THE END**


End file.
